Even Realer Rejections

Back again with some more real rejections! (Your regularly scheduled Agent Anonymous series will come back next week, I promise.) As always, these rejections were written BY AGENTS, but they're a parody of the queries writers send them. So while these were never sent as actual rejections this, dear readers, is a glimpse of what agents feel like inside.

 

And never forget:

 

THIS IS YOUR COMPETITION!

~~~

 
Dear Friend of a Friend (AKA Someone Whose Manuscript I felt obligated to read),
 
Here's the thing. The hard truth. The skinny, as they might say. If they still say that. The real deal. The sucking truth. The fact that may burn the life out of you. Your friend, my dear, isn't an agent. They're not even a big reader. But one time when I was drunk they did me a solid and put me in a cab and I owed them. I didn't think this would be how I owed them, but, oh well, people are dicks and ask me to read shit.
 
Not that your thing is shit. I'm totally NOT saying that. Because I have to be REALLY REALLY NICE TO YOU because you're a Friend of a Friend. So here are my notes. 
 
Your characters are well drawn (=they're okay) and the setting is fascinating (=I've seen it 12 times before and published it so like can we not do this all over again? Stop pitching me everything I've already published, thank you) and your writing is smooth (=it's okay), but it's not really in my wheelhouse (=I don't want it) and I don't think I'd be the best agent to represent you (=I don't want it). 
 
Thank you for thinking of me and it was kind for Friend to recommend you.
 
Best of luck in the future (=and you better not win any prizes otherwise I'll beat myself up for not having taken you on),
 
Agent
 
~~~
 
Dear Author,

 
Get over it. Stop asking for more feedback. Very few agents give a fuck what you do after they've said no. Soz, kthxbi.
 
kitten animated GIF

 

 
(You're the cat.)
 
Best of luck on your future endeavors,
 
Agent
 
~~~
 
Dear Author,
 
I love your book so much. So so so so so so much. But I'm a businessperson and no one in traditional publishing will want it. I'm sorry. I'm crying tears of blood. 
 
Much love and admiration and sadness and hope for small presses to pick you up and for it to then become a sensation so that I can take you on for your next book,
 
Not Naive Anymore Agent

 
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