The Perfect Broposal

Maybe you just moved to a new city, or a new borough, or you started a new job. Maybe you just got a divorce, or started frequenting a new bar, or joined a new softball team. Whatever the case, your life circumstances have changed, and you find there’s a hole in your life, a vacancy that only one kind of person can fill.

 

You, my man, need a bro.

 

You start checking other men out, chatting with Brian about the homebrew setup in his garage, trading club-gripping tips with amateur golfer Christian. You save your game days for Joel, your poker nights for Gary. And, after weeks, maybe even months of searching, you’ve found the one.

 

You’re ready to bropose.

 

But if you’re going to do it, you might as well do it right! So here are 20 ways to create the perfect broposal:

 

1. Choose a favorite place – whether it’s a hole-in-the-wall bar, a bar with a deck, or a sports bar – one that has happy hour specials significance to the two of you. Once you’re there, ask someone nearby to take a picture of you two doing Jagerbombs together, and instead of standing and slamming the Jagerbomb, drop down on one knee and slam the Jagerbomb.

 

2. Have a cover band show up for a surprise performance of your bro-to-be’s favorite Blink-182 song. For a really personal touch, ask the performers if they can incorporate your bro’s name into the lyrics.

 

3. Get in touch with the DJ of your favorite club and bropose after the beat drops.

 

4. Arrange a surprise broposal with a street caricaturist. Have the caricaturist sketch a picture of you two doing something badass like riding dolphins with word bubbles hovering over your heads that say, “Will you be my bro?” and “Totally!”

 

5. Ask the divers at an aquarium to put on a broposal show inside their biggest fish tank. Give them a (waterproof) sign that says, “Will you be my bro?” to hold up against the glass and then position yourselves for what will, at first, seem like feeding time.

 

6. Send your unsuspecting bro-to-be on a bar crawl that starts across town and ends with your broposal at your favorite local dive/deck/hole-in-the-wall bar. If he doesn’t make it, it probably wasn’t meant to be, bro.

 

7. Go out for a night of karaoke and bust a rhyme with your own broposal lyrics. Suggestions include: “Let’s Bro It On,” “Baby Got Bro,” “California Broz,” or really any song by StainD or P.O.D.

 

8. Hire a skywriter to spell out your broposal for everyone around to see.

 

9. Plan a bromantic destination getaway for two. When you’re on the plane, use the loudspeaker system (no need to run this by the flight attendants first) and bropose at 35,000 feet.

 

10. Gather a bunch of your friends and family for a party and have everyone put on a T-shirt or carry balloons filled with helium (otherwise they won’t float) bearing one of the letters in the phrase, “Will you be my bro?” Then during the party suggest a group picture to reveal the message. (A true bro would never ask, “Why is Gary carrying a balloon bearing the letter ‘b’?”)

 

11. Fill a favorite room in your home with your future bro’s favorite/wrinkliest Maxim and or Stuff pictures; you can hang them from balloons or cover the walls with them for a jaw-dropping surprise.

 

12. Sneak into your soon-to-be bro’s office or classroom before they arrive in the morning and write your broposal on their desk or blackboard. Stay hidden from sight until they show up. If they don’t seem happy about it, pull the fire alarm and run.

 

13. Before your bro leaves for work, offer to heat up their car and scrape the ice and snow off their windows. Then scratch your proposal into the ice. If they say, “Christ Frankie you did a shitty job cleaning the windows,” pull the fire alarm and run.

 

14. Pick the perfect spot to bropose and have a photographer hide somewhere discreet. Bropose. If they say no, screech that you see a pervert in the bushes taking photos, and together you and your bro-never-to-be can chase after him. By the time the photographer escapes, your never-bro will have forgotten about the broposal entirely.

 

15. Cut out the bottom of a huge Amazon box, and attach a card that says, “What’s inside the box is a gift to last a lifetime.” Then, “deliver” yourself to your soon-to-be bro’s doorstep. If someone steals you from your bro-to-be’s doorstep. Well. You’re fucked.

 

16. Reenact the scene of their favorite action movie. If it’s The Expendables, go for the ending of the movie: pick up a missile and chuck it at a helicopter as you’re trying to escape a some random army encampment.

 

17. Rake the leaves in his yard to spell out your broposal. If they say, “Christ Frankie you did a shitty job cleaning the leaves,” set their house on fire, pull the fire alarm, and run.

 

18. Bropose in a brotanical garden when everything is dead.

 

19. On your bro’s birthday, plan a “surprise party,” and then pretend to ruin the surprise by having him get there early. The real shock will be when you bropose and all of your friends and family show up afterward to celebrate!

 

20. Surprise your bro with a pet you’ve always wanted to get together (turtle, iguana, llama) and name it “Bro 2.0”. When your bro asks who “Bro 1.0” is, grin. Just grin.

 

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