The Korean Man’s Approach to Picking Up Girls

I was recently asked:

I met a girl at a bar, and, being a white heterosexual male, i bought her a shot of Jagermeister and coaxed her into complementing my white sneakers. Then I remembered your blog, and realized that Koreans sometimes talk to girls. So I was wondering what the “Korean” approach was? And what is Korean for “Jager?”

Answer:

Essentially, the Korean approach is and has always been to not have any approach at all. We never approach women. White people might be confused at this point and ask: So how do Korean men get laid?  Do they simply never get laid?  Since there is a plethora of new Korean babies and no Koreans are getting laid, is it possible Koreans procreate without having sex?  Since Jesus’s mother did this, can Koreans do it too?

I would reply: No, white person. Your conclusion is wrong. Most Koreans cannot immaculately conceive (and the ones that can are incredible bitches who are not worth having children with).  The answer to your riddle is that Korean men live in a culture where approaching girls is completely unnecessary.

White Person: I don’t understand. Also, I fear and therefore want to destroy any cultural practice that is remotely different than my own. Please explain this aspect of your culture so as to quell my growing murderous rage.

Korean: Let’s break things down. First, we must define ‘approaching’ as: The act of a Korean male beginning an extended friendly conversation with a Korean female who they don’t know, nor have any prior association with.

In American culture, the three most common girl-approaching places are the street, the bar, and the club. In Korean culture, these places contain a completely different social dynamic.

How so?

Let me explain:

Street Approaches

Street approaches are absolutely, positively, undeniably out of the question for a Korean male, because in the Korean culture any man who approaches a stranger in the street is immediately perceived as homeless, even if the approacher is extremely smooth and dressed in a tuxedo with a gold watch. The automatic response from the approached Korean girl will be—“get away from me, you well-dressed homeless man. I will not go back to your box to have sex with you nor will I give you my change.”

Bars

You can tell by studying the Feng Shui (that’s an Asian term for where you put your chairs) of the bars, that it is not conducive to approaching.

Consider: Popular American bars have large bar areas. This mean lots of people who don’t know each other are squeezed so close together that their genitals are rubbing.  These bars also have large open areas, or mingle spaces, where white males can approach white females whom they can mingle with then say sexually harassing comments to.

Korean bars have small bar spaces, and instead of mingling space Korean bars are furnished with luxurious 6 to 10 seat tables. Usually the tables are full of bar food, such as fried chicken, spicy dough, or stew.  Approaching a table of 6-10 seated Korean strangers eating food is astronomically more difficult than saying hello to a stranger whose genitals are rubbing against you.

Clubs

White Person: But aren’t clubs built solely for the purpose of men to approach women?

Korean: Yes. This is the reason clubs exist and thrive. And yes, Korean men meet plenty of Korean women at clubs.

However, there is no approaching going on.

White Person: How is this even logically possible? If things are not explained to me in a way I can understand I will stomp over to my closet to grab my gun and my confederate flag!

Korean: The dynamic of a Korean club is very interesting and peculiar. The men are obligated to purchase a table for the night. If you do not have a table, you are seen as a bit of a dope. A table runs anywhere from 400 bucks to a couple thousand depending on the club, and the table comes with one bottle of Crown Royale. Girls get in to clubs for free.

To make up for this discrepancy in payment, the girls are randomly abducted by the club’s waiters (who are all well-trained professional abductors) and forced to sit with the random men who have purchased tables. Of course the initial introduction between the table-sitting men and the abducted women are made by the waiters.

This means no approaching!

Yes, the plethora of abducted women is the reason men are willing to dish out 400+ for a table and a bottle of alcohol. (And no, you do not get to take the table home with you when you leave). Because the only other place a Korean man will get the chance to have dozens of hot abducted Korean women placed next to them throughout the night is at the house of a serial kidnapper. And in Korea, serial kidnappers are notoriously difficult to befriend—as they are very picky in their choice of who to hang out with.

Though not written on any menu, all Korean clubs take abduction requests—for a price.  Slip the waiter a few C-notes and you can choose. I want that girl. And that one in the corner trying to hide from me. And then that one with the huge boobs. If any of these girls don’t want to be dragged away from their group of friends to sit next to you, the waiters will employ a variety of expert abductions techniques such as: bear hug and lift; ninja-style lassoing; chloroform cloth; GHB; burlap sack and rock; trap door; chase with poo toward destination, etc.

White Person: Why are Korean women willing to go to these clubs in the first place, if they know they are going to be abducted and chased with poo time and time again?

Korean: The answer is simple: Young, giggly, peace-sign flashing Asian women are instinctively attracted to bright, flashing lights and blaring K-pop.  When their senses register these variables, the women unconsciously float toward its source.

Strangely enough, the clubs with the most aggressive abduction practices are the most popular ones with Korean girls. The logic here is simple. Aggressive abduction practices = greater abduction success ratio = more pleased male clients = larger tip amounts = more investment money for club = bigger, brighter flashier lights + larger, louder speakers = more young, giggly Korean girls unconsciously floating into club.

But regardless of how large the crowd in a Korean club, one can be assured there is no approaching going on. So one must ask why have Korean men, from the beginning of Koreandom, structured a culture by which they never have to approach women? The answer is simple: Because they are deathly afraid of any kind of social rejection to the point that they would rather stay at home and masturbate into a plastic vagina sleeve filled with lube that has been slightly heated in the microwave than risk a woman telling them,  ‘fuck you, you stupid chink!’

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1 Comment

  • So when I initially read this I was a bit upset to see it end off with a punchline that included a pretty heavy racial slur. Trust me, I’m not the sensitive type at all, but there are a couple of words that I really don’t like and that is one of them.

    Then I found out you were Korean and everything changed; it wasn’t just some lame joke to me anymore, it was acceptable. Funny how that works.

    Upon a reread I can definitely get that you’re Korean from the opening question, but I missed it the first time. I think that bit of context is necessary if you want the punchline to be funny for the first-time readers who don’t know you.

    Keep it coming.

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