The Pile Driver

As a life-long expert of the martial arts, I can attest to the fact that if one wishes to absolutely destroy the top of another man’s head, there is no better technique than the pile driver.  For those unfamiliar with the technique, a pile driver is when one man lifts another man upside down in a kind of backwards standing 69. The standing man then proceeds to jump, stretching his legs forward and they both fall so that the combined force of both of their weights will drive the upside down man’s head into the ground.  This is what it looks like:


If I were pile driving you, and you weighed 150 pounds and I weighed 150 pounds, the force of the pile driver would be 300 pounds concentrated directly onto a single point on the top of your head. Imagine that!

Because pile drivers are so devastating, they have been banned by the vast majority of federations and athletic commissions that cater to wrestling and combat.

The pile driver should never be performed in either the top or bottom position by anyone under the age of 21.  As well, one should never, ever, at any time perform a pile driver on a baby as babies are known to have soft spots on the top of the head.  No matter how mad you are at a baby, please do not pile drive it!

Performing the pile driver  
As an expert in the martial arts, I have at several points in my life performed the pile driver technique in various combat situations such as: street fights, amateur fights, kumate in the woods, rough sex.  On the flip side, I have had the pile driver performed on me in said situations as well.

The first time I performed the pile driver, I was 14 years old and in a street fight.  the person who I performed the pile driver on (another 14 year old) died immediately upon impact and I then promptly ran away.  I was never charged with his murder.

The first time the pile driver was performed on me, I was a bit older at 24 and though I did not die, the results were devastating.  I was paralyzed and wheelchair ridden for 4 years and had to have every single one of my discs in my vertebrae replaced with artificial ones (all the discs fell off from the devastation of the pile driver’s impact).  Also, the top of my head hurt really bad.

Aside from the physical, there were also severe mental effects.  Before I was pile driven, I was a brilliant artist having sold several canvases for upwards of 20,000 dollars.  After I was pile driven, I completely lost all ability to paint and the mere sight, smell, and texture of oil paint and canvas would make me vomit.

I can say with certainty that the only reason I did not die from this pile driver was because the man who performed it simply did not have the technique perfected.  Much like mystical kung-fu, the pile driver requires exquisite precision, speed, and force and the slightest lack in one of those area can make the difference between performing a death strike or a hand job.

The surface onto which a pile driver is performed can vastly change the effectiveness of the maneuver.  If you wish to maximize damage, try to avoid soft areas such as padded wrestling rings or mattresses.  Instead look for hard area.  Here is a list of the surfaces of which I have successfully performed a pile driver onto.
1.    A concrete block
2.    A cactus
3.    The top of a mountain
4.    A spiral staircase (here I was able to use the pile driven man’s head as a makeshift pogo stick and deliver successive pile all the way down three stories of stairs.  Of course this is a very advance technique not recommended for non-experts of martial arts.)

Historical pile drivers
Though many believe the pile driver was a contemporary invention stemming from professional wrestling, the technique actually goes back much further into the annals of history.

-Genghis khan is said to have pile driven many of his captor as well as his friends.  It was written that everyone knew to stay far away from him when he was drunk, lest they be pile driven.

-It was once rumored, and recently corroborated by newly discovered journal entries, that Abraham Lincoln got into a scuffle with Robert E Lee in a secret meeting during the height of the Civil War. Tables were overturned, chairs were thrown, fists flew and bottles smashed and the fight between them culminated with Abe Lincoln pile driving Robert E Lee onto the floor of his wood cabin. Many scholars now believe suffering the mental effects of the pile driver was the real reason that Robert E Lee surrendered the south.

-It was recorded that Napoleon Bonaparte, a known brutish bully, would often pile drive random french serfs.  Once asked why he was so cruel to those random serfs, he responded with the french equivalent of, “Because I’m Napoleon, Bitch!”

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